'Am I really being neglectful?': Man discovers grandfather's dooms day bunker and turns it into his man cave, pregnant wife threatens to seal it

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  • 01
    Product - AITA for spending a lot of time in my bunker away from my family?
  • 02
    Font - My grandfather was an incredibly talented man who also suffered from paranoid schizophrenia, and he was convinced that the nuclear apocalypse was going to end the human race at some point, so he built his own bunker and then buried the entrance because he was convinced that both the KGB and the CIA were watching him and wanted to keep the bunker a secret.
  • 03
    Font - Yes, he was a crazy man. My dad inherited his house but never lived there, so when I had my first child in 2018 and got married in 2019, my dad made me an incredibly generous offer for the house. I bought computers that were more expensive than the house.
  • 04
    Font - The bunker became kind of an urban legend, mostly because my old grandpa used to tell a lot of crazy stories, but out of curiosity I went looking for it and found the entrance. THE OLD MAN REALLY DID IT!
  • 05
    Font - So, thanks to being stuck at home during the uneventful 2020 and 2021, I started remodeling the bunker to look less like a Fallout Vault and more like my own man cave. Everyone loves it, especially the kids (My nephews and friend's children). So the house is decorated to my wife's taste, while I can do whatever I want in the bunker, play gaming, fix computers, set up a whole home server, work from home, etc.
  • 06
    Font - However, lately she has been complaining about me being distant and spending a lot of time there and less time with her and our child. She is pregnant again, so she said she was worried, but I just promised to spend more time at the house. After a few weeks that wasn't enough for her and she accuses me of abandoning her.
  • 07
    Font - I'm asking for judgment here because I'm trying to be there for my family, but this bunker feels like it's the only thing that's really mine and where I can actually have a break, but my wife has said she's going to seal the entrance otherwise I might miss the birth and not even notice. Should I just move all my stuff into the house and forget about it? Am I really being neglectful, or is this just her pregnancy hormones talking?
  • 08
    Font - To be clear, I do help with the house chores and spend time with my son when I'm there and I have an intercom in the bunker so my wife can just call me if she needs anything and I'll go up there immediately.
  • 09
    Font - ETA: Everybody is asking me this. I spends at least 6 hours at the Bunker on week days. I work there so I think is reasonable, and at least 4 hours on weekends. But yeah, ur right, I need to make arrangements. I forgot to mention: Our son goes to kindergarten so my wife has time to work and sometimes be alone at home.
  • 10
    Font - ETA 2: Guys, I swear I'm taking notes. I'm just trying to understand what I should change about myself and how to talk to my wife about this. Remember that I spend at least 6 hours WORKING, not scratching my belly. My manager allows me to log out early if I finished my work for the day but can't log out if I've been working for less than 6 hours. I also spend time talking with my team on Slack.
  • 11
    Font - Illustrious-Shirt569 2 hr. ago Colo-rectal Surgeon [36] YTA. Where is your wife's bunker equivalent and how many hours per week does she get in that space vs. you in your bunker? Way to go putting 100% of the mental load on your wife in no uncertain terms.
  • 12
    Font - mmwhatchasaiyan - 1 hr. ago Partassipant [1]] Exactly this. Why doesn't your wife also get a space for herself to disappear to for hours on end? And to add to that, it sounds like OP alienated himself with this bunker. He made it his "man cave" right off the bat, then made the separation even more so by saying "this is my space to decorate how I like, and my wife gets to decorate the house". Smh. YTA.
  • 13
    Font - Limitless Megan 1 hr. ago And then complains that there's no space that represents him in his house. Ya dude, that was by your arrangement... YTA
  • 14
    Font - Complex-Pirate-4264 So she has to care for the Common space, and he has his own. And she has to care for the Common stuff, he cares for his own. And she cares more for the kid. YTA. 34 min. ago
  • 15
    Font - 00 CatsGambit 1 hr. ago Partassipant [1] I'm so tired of men who think that because their wife decorates the house (and lets be clear, 90% of that is less "putting doilies on all the furniture and painting it pink" than it is "ensuring there is clean and functional furniture and making sure we don't live in a hovel"), they are now entitled to their own, private, just for them space.
  • 16
    Font - Can your wife lock you and the children out of the house at a minute's notice because she wants to spend hours alone doing her own thing? No? Then it's not actually her space. It's family space that you've decided you don't want to take responsibility for.
  • 17
    Font - Billy Mackk 57 min. ago Wife doesn't want equivalent time, she wants to know her children will have the environment to grow up in that she's trying to foster and that OP doesn't seem to be fostering along with her. OP is also following his primal urges to "man out" but at the cost of satisfying his wife's, so for that, YTA.
  • 18
    Font - It's not all or nothing OP, but you need to do a better job making your wife feel like you're a part of the team. 'Cause I think if you do, she's gonna say, "You've been really great honey, why don't you go do your thing for a bit." If you don't trust your wife to do that, then you're gonna need a bigger bunker.
  • 19
    Font - ahdn 32 min. ago Getting to decorate a shared space (does she even like to decorate, or is that just adding to her mental load?) is in NO WAY the same as having your own, dedicated, private, soundproof, underground escape room.
  • 20
    Font - Galaxy-Walker16 24 min. ago The mental load is exactly right. She can call him on the intercom when "she needs him" so it is 100% up to her to arrange for his help. Come on. I also noticed his child isn't listed among the kids who love the bunker so I would assume their child stays in the house usually. This means OOP is not caring for the child at all while in the bunker.
  • 21
    Font - 12th MaMa 30 min. ago Yep, building her a She Shed, and giving her equal time away from you and kid(s), is the only way to keep from being an a chole here.
  • 22
    Font - TouchGrassRedditor 3 hr. ago Partassipant [3] YTA, not for spending time in the bunker (that sounds so fucking cool I would also be in there all the time lol) but for considering ignoring your wife who is pretty directly telling you that you aren't spending enough time with your family and being distant. You started a family dude. It's not all about you anymore.
  • 23
    Font - FantaPoopTwist. 1 hr. ago He says his kid goes to kindergarten some days so she can WORK then... he thinks her break is when she can work without the kid... that's not a break OP. You're lucky you're still married!

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